Thursday, May 28, 2009

#6 - Smoke Weed Everyday

This entry came in via IM:

XXXXX: I smoke weed every day
often while im at work, too
during my lunch break

TMMSR: Does your mother know this?

XXXXX: heeeeeeell no

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

#5 - Playing Doctor

When I was seven, I was really great friends with the kid who lived across the alley behind my house from me. People called him my boyfriend, but we weren't that, not really.
During the afternoon, we'd sit on the bench in front of my house and show eachother our private-parts. We didn't know it was wrong, we just thought it was funny that they were different.
What a sight we must have made to anyone watching from the street.

Friday, May 22, 2009

#4 - This One is a Doozy

My friend and I talk about these stories all the time. How our mothers have no idea who we really are, how they would be disappointed. My mom would tell me to go to church more often, get married, or have children. As if those are the things lacking in my life, and the sad things is, to her they are.

Sometimes these secrets are little innocent stories we don't want our mothers to know and sometimes they're slutty stories. Here's a few that come to mind...

I overdraft my checking account on a bi-monthly basis. And, I don't have overdraft protection. I lie and tell her I do, but I don't.

I will make-out with dudes for fun.

I show people my boobs for money. Not stripping, just strangers who are into that sort of thing.

I've had three ways.

My main motivation for going to the gyno is to be checked for STDs. Whatever else they due is a plus.

I have so much student loan debt, I'll be paying it off for 20 years. Most of the student loan debt was accured because I wanted to travel and buy cool clothes while in school. They (the banks- not my parents) gave me the checks and I cashed them. Now, I'm broke and overdrafting my account every other month. But, you already know that.

I charged up credit cards in college and never paid them.

I still smoke weed on a weekly basis and drink on a daily basis.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

#3 - NIN is for Lovers

The year was 1995. I was 16 and was had been a big fan of going "online" and posting on BBs about music. All you could do was post comment threads and kinda email people, and it was very primitive. I loved it. I challenged other Nine Inch Nails fans to trivia battles, created a little alter ego for myself, and met a lot of interesting people. One guy I met, Cobalt, was in a band in Detroit, was an artist, and seemed super cool. I gave him my home address and we started exchanging pictures and mix tapes (1995!!) and very flowery sentiments. He was quite handsome. We made plans to run away together, but we both seemed to realize that this probably wouldn't actually happen. It was all very romantic. So imagine my surprise when I get an message from him announcing that he was driving through the state where I grew up and had booked a hotel room in the town where I lived.
Without a moment's hesitation, I drove to the hotel. Even now I cringe when I think about it. I knocked on the door, he opened it, I walked in, and....... it was the most fucking awkward experience I've ever had. We seemed to hate each other on sight, and kinda made small talk and weirdly argued for about 20 minutes. This was not the romantic experience I had been hoping for. I got up to leave, and he came over and hugged me goodbye. I turned around, got into my car, and drove home, shaking, as it had just occurred to me that I could have been raped or kidnapped or killed.
We never spoke again. Apparently we were better off cooing at each other electronically. Cobalt, if you're out there, thanks for not hurting/raping/kidnapping/
killing me. My mom would thank you too, if she knew.

#2 - Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

i used to have a huge cocaine problem. i mean massive. i did it all the time. 8 balls weren't enough. it was pathetic. I'd be snorting it up and thinking that i was going to have a stroke but I'd still be worried about how much i had and when I'd be getting more. i even shot it up sometimes which is more addictive than the drug itself (which isn't really addictive to your body, more like your mind). i cut down a lot a few years ago but still did it socially or when my nerves would get to me, and to keep my weight down. I'd show up at my parents' house or school high as a kite and no one would ever know. last year i went crazy with it and did 2 eight balls in a week because i was having a nervous breakdown. the cocaine psychosis didn't help and i ended up in the hospital. my parents don't think I've ever even smoked a cigarette. every day i fight the urge to use any type of drug again. it sucks but that's what i have to do to stay clean.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

#1 - Casual Encounters

On a recent trip back to a city where I used to live, I had a casual encounter.

Upon arriving in said city and hanging out with my friends, and most notably, my ex boyfriend, I had a hormonal reaction. Let's just say, it's been awhile, and when you come to discover that all your friends are in relationships, with the exception of your ex, the casual sex applicant pool seems pretty shallow. Realizing I was still very very interested in my ex and knowing that wasn't going to happen, I did what any sexed-up 20 something with an iphone and cheap beer would do: I went online. At the suggestion and encouragement of my friends at the bar, I busted out my hand-held world-wide-webbing device and posted an ad on craigslist. Yes my friends, it was not a casual encounter, it was a "Casual Encounter". Within half an hour I had 4 responses, the next morning, a dozen more. For once, I felt like the prettiest girl at the dance. I responded to a couple of the ads after evaluating the applicants' photos, and the games began!

Now, granted, when you wake up in the morning, not drunk, and open your e-mail to receive sexual invites from men, sight unseen, it can feel a little awkward. But remember, it's only the internet, and who knows, maybe you're talking to a 12 year old girl. So, after a careful selection process based on level of creepiness, seeming level of desperation, and online humor, I went on a date.

I met the dude at a bar, and was surprised to see that he did not look exactly as I expected, or talk as much as he did online, but when you know there is the promise of sex, what's a hard-up girl supposed to do? The answer? Drink. Drink your ass off.

And so many stiff drinks later, we're off! I would love to say that this was a great experience, and everything went smoothly, and that anonymous sex on the internet is great, but, let's get real here. It's sex. It's always complicated. started. We made out (not a great kisser, you forget that kissing is just kind of wet and awkward if you're not into the person), and then the clothes came off. I'd again like to say that we did it, I had multiple orgasms and everything was great, but no. At the end of some entended oral sex (score!) the dude announces that he drank too much, and has been feeling sick. Weak constitution? Can't hold his liquor? I don't know, and I don't care. All I can think is, thanks! Because: 1. I got off and 2. I didn't actually fuck someone from the internet. Double score!

Will I be doing this again anytime soon? Probably not. Was it satisfying? Well given the amount of alcohol ingested to get over my fears about the process, the memory of it is slight at best.

So, what have we learned? If you go on the internet, YOU WILL GET LAID, but don't expect much.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Things Your Mother Shouldn't Read

I love my blog, but the problem I find is that sometimes I can't write about the things I'm thinking about when I know that my grandmother will be reading it. It's a total boner killer.

I can't be the only one in this position.

Got a blog?
Got a topic you don't want people knowing you wrote about or a story your mother shouldn't read?

Don't have a blog?
Want somewhere to post your embarrassing moments without being found out?

Send things over to thingsmymothershouldntread (at) gmail dot com

Everything will be posted anonymously.